How to Save my Marriage?

Author: Yaji Category: Cheating & Breakups, Counseling & Communication, Relationships Published: September 18, 2014

The answer to the question, “how to save my marriage” is a counterintuitive one. Most people think that marriage and relationship requires give and take… compromise. To a degree this is true, however compromise is the key word that needs to be reconsidered. When you compromise yourself, you are in a sense “giving up” on yourself and this is a direct route to problems.

The short answer to this question is: Give out of LOVE AND CONSIDERATION instead of compromise and giving up on yourself. This starts with loving yourself on a deep core level. If you are compromising right now… stop. Never compromise yourself. You don’t have to.

1) The first step in saving your marriage or relationship is to change your perception of the relationship. It is possible to find solutions that make you both happy – the trick is, if you are both working to make yourself happy. Realize that you both can win! You both can have what you want. You just have to realize that most people just want to love and be loved. Likely you BOTH are trying to love and feel loved by each other. Ego wounding (and reaction) gets in the way of being able to see or communicate that.

2) The second step in saving your marriage is to LOVE and ACCEPT YOURSELF! You may think, of course I love myself but likely this is your rational, conscious mind. If you find yourself overly reacting to situations that don’t fit your reaction, then likely there is some sort of self-rejection (I also call this ego wounding, or trauma) going on. I highly suggest EMDR for these types of reactions.

3) The third step is in knowing yourself. If you are working to release your wounds, it will be much easier to get in touch with what you truly want.

4) Next is to communicate. There are many tips and suggestions I can offer here, and if you are interested you can download my “communication guide”. But for now suffice it to say, tell your partner WHAT YOU DO WANT. Try with all your might to stay away from telling them what is making you unhappy. That will usually just activate their ego wounds and be counterproductive.

5) Once you’ve communicated (and they have as well) now you are in a position to find the balance between courage to be authentic and consideration for the other. This balance is not so easy to find, but the balance lies between doing what you must for yourself and being willing to upset your partner a little (not too much) and also weighing how important your partner’s opinion is to them. I like to suggest using a scale to see where each of you stands. How important is your side to you on a scale of 0 – 10 and how important is their side to them on that same scale. If to you it is only important on a level of 2 and to them it is important to a level 8 or 9, then maybe you want to think about letting go. That is being considerate, NOT compromise. And if the scales are reversed, then you must have the courage to speak up for yourself.

6) Last but actually first, be willing to walk away. It can be scary to speak about what will make you feel good. It can also be scary to open up and show your love. Whichever side you are on, you have to be willing to take a risk of losing. Breathe through your fears (as long as there is no actual threat (NEVER put up with abuse). A person who lives in their truth is very sexy.

An important note here is that each of these steps in themselves could have pages written about them. Changing perceptions, Loving Yourself, Knowing Yourself, Communication, and Releasing your Fear of rejection and loss. As in dieting, there is no real easy solution and it does take time and effort to change things. The important thing to remember is that if you truly want it you CAN CREATE IT AND EMPOWER YOURSELF no matter what state your marriage or relationship is in right now.

About Love Therapy Center: Founded by Yaji Tramontini in 2008, the Love Therapy Center was created with the purpose of promoting healthy relationships for couples and individuals. Located in San Francisco, San Diego and San Jose, therapists at the Love Therapy Center are trained in both traditional and nontraditional/spiritual modalities which allows them to fit each person with individualized treatment. To learn more about Love Therapy Center visit its website
About the Author: Yagi Tramontini is a graduate of Boston University ('94) with a double major in Psychology & Philosophy, and Sophia University ('03) with a Master's degree in Transpersonal / Spiritual Counseling Psychology. She holds a CA state license as a Marriage & Family Therapist, MFC45878, to practice Psychotherapy and has over 10,000 hours helping couples and individuals release trauma and create great relationships